It seems that many couples think they are sexually mismatched. Are they really? Let's explore that.
If one wants to take things slow, enjoy a lot of foreplay and connection, do <normal> stuff, like explore positions, have sex in their bedroom and be told sweet things; and the other one wants to do <abnormal> things like explore toys, have sex in public, be called bad names, and play weird/maybe painful sex games; are they mismatched?
First of all, who determines whether our desires are "normal" or "abnormal"?
Usually, it is the stories in our head that were put there by our families, cultures, religions, social media, and possibly others that decide what we perceive as normal. The truth is... there is no normal or abnormal. It's all about perceptions, just like the concept of right and wrong. It all depends on your experiences and belief system.
Let's explore more than sexual desires.
What would you desire if you had no sense of normal to limit you?
Take a moment to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and imagine that you can desire anything you want. No one will judge you.
What would you want for yourself, your career, your family life, your sexual desires?
Who would you be without anyone telling you who you are suppose to be?
I encourage you to ponder this. Write down your answers. It's ok if you change them as you process the questions. Feel free to dream big and be shameless. When you are done, compare that with the life you have now. Is there anything that needs to change? What are you willing to change?
Back to our question. Are couples really sexually mismatched?
It is rare that two people are sexually mismatched. Usually, they have different Erotic Designs, which is a great opportunity for each one to explore and expand their own sexuality.
This does NOT mean you do things you don't like. To be clear, only do things that are a HELL YES for you. Consent is always required. If you aren't sure you want to explore, count that as a no and don't be afraid to have a conversation about it.
I am suggesting hearing each other's sexual desires without judgment. If you shut your partner down, they will feel disrespected and rejected. If you want to build connection and intimacy in your relationship, it's important to listen to your partner, even when it is hard because you don't like what they are saying.
You can say, 'Thank you for sharing. This is all new to me. Give me time to think about it.", and make a plan to discuss it within 24 hours. You can admit - "I am scared. I feel so uncomfortable discussing this." Expressing your specific feelings is vulnerable and intimate. It is how relationships deepen. It is an important part of emotional intelligence.
Please be sure not to include any of your past experiences with anyone else in your discussions. In most cases, it is damaging to a relationship to talk about other lovers. Don't compare your lover to a past one either. That is hurtful.
When a partner comes to you with their sexual fantasies, if you tell them it's gross and they are disgusting, it will shut them down. Many people say they value honesty and when their partner is honest with them, they can't handle it. Be aware of how your reactions impact your partner. Be kind. You can ask questions such as; What turns you on about that? How would that look if we tried it? What if we try it and I don't like it? Is there something similar we could do first or instead? Everything is worthy of a discussion. Getting curious about your partner's ask is going to help you know them better. It will help them feel seen and heard. It will build connection even if you decide you don't want to do it now.
If talking about sex is difficult, you might try writing about it. You can both write down a list of things you absolutely don't want to do sexually now, things you want to try soon, and things you are really enjoying in your sex life already. When you come together exchange lists and be open minded. This can be scarry, especially if you are being totally honest with your partner for the first time. Courage is feeling fear and doing it anyway. You may be surprised that you both wanted to try certain things. Focus on those rather than on the things that are different. Remember, this is just a discussion about desires. You are not agreeing to do anything. If there are very different things, you may want to discuss those with a sex coach/therapist. You never have to deal with these things alone.
One very important part of being a great partner is not to report to anyone what your partner tells you, especially when they open up about their sexual desires. People will judge your partner, and usually give you horrible advise. They are not in your relationship. They have no say in anything.
In all situations and with all people, use your words to build up your partner, your relationship, and yourself. Love builds up even through hard times. Using words to tear someone down is not love.
Rare occasions where couples are mismatched would be if one wants pain and the other can't give it. If one wants to have dangerous escapades and the other wants safety. If one wants an open relationship and the other doesn't. Sometimes these can be worked out and sometimes they can't. This is where seeking a good sex therapist/coach is beneficial.
Many couples who think they are mismatched, just don't understand the five various designs of love making. Often the problem is not knowing what you or your partner need to be aroused and to be satisfied. Once you understand and know you and your partner's Erotic Designs, nothing can stop you from enjoying full on bliss on a regular basis.
If you want to know more about the five Erotic Designs, join me on Zoom, Thursday September 12th, @ 5:50pm pacific, 8:30pm eastern, 7:30pm central.
Coach Diane D is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: The 5 Erotic Designs
Time: Sep 12, 2024 08:30 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)
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Meeting ID: 822 7351 2964
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