top of page


Updated: May 21

The past few years, I have had people of all ages, even in their 20s, contacting me because they are struggling with getting or keeping an erection.

I have also had spouses contacting me because they are going to leave if their lover can't figure out how to get and keep an erection.

To be clear, I am not a doctor. I will talk about a few common causes of erectile dysfunction and what I know about it.

As a therapist/coach I am curious. I want to know when was the last time you had sex and erection was not a problem? For some, it has always been a problem.

There are still people who don't have sex before marriage, then when they get married, the penis just doesn't work as they expected. This can be performance anxiety, and/or lack of sex education. What was your sex education like?

Then there are those who suffered trauma, a betrayal, an injury, illness, and more. This can be temporary while they heal. Be kind to yourself.

My next question is always, "Have you had a prostate exam?" So many have spoken to a doctor about erectile issues and have not even been given a prostate exam. Let me be clear; the prostate produces semen to help the sperm swim, it plays a role in hormone production and it helps urine flow. It is a crucial part of the anatomy.

The problem comes when the prostate swells enough to block blood circulation to the penis and prevents it from getting erect. There are simple medical procedures that can be easily performed to correct this if everything else works well. Once the prostate swells, there is no way to reverse the swelling.

If the prostate is cancerous, there are other options. Early detection is key. Remember that some can ejaculate even if they can't get an erection.

If you have a prostate, get regular exams. Insist on it if you have erectile issues. You may need to get a second opinion, or ask for a referral to a urologist. This is an important health issue. Don't take it for granted.

There are ways to enjoy sex, to have different orgasms that are satisfying, and to create connection and intimacy if you can't get an erection. Do not stress, it won't help.

If your prostate is fine and you are still not having erections when it comes to penetration, I have to ask, "How often do you masturbate to porn?"

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) is real. Masturbating to porn is one of those things that needs to be done in moderation.

PIED is when you reprogram what arouses you and gives you an erection.

If you go limp when you put your penis near the vagina, and you get hard again when you are stroked with a hand, you could have PIED.

The good news is there are ways to correct that. With time and patience, you will get your erection back.

Note that vagina bodied people can reprogram their arousal patterns with excessive masturbation & porn, and with using toys excessively.


How does this relate to ADHD?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is neurological. The executive function that is suppose to allow us to control ourself is malfunctioning. Often the strong need to calm down our mind, or ease the anxiety or feelings of overwhelm we experience, bring us to some form of compulsive behaviour that is used as a coping strategy to relax or feel better.

Food, alcohol, cigarettes, cannabis and other drugs; coffee, sex, porn, masturbation, and others, are methods that many people with ADHD use as coping strategies.

Long term, they impair our lives.

Learning coping strategies that work for your ADHD brain is crucial. It is best achieved when done with a professional who understands ADHD and management skills for each executive function. Many professionals who claim to work with people with ADHD, really don't know what ADHD is, so how can they teach you coping strategies that work for your specific issues. We need different methods for our different brains. Make sure you ask what they know about executive functions.

If learning management skills is hard, you may need an ADHD medication that is monitored and much safer than compulsive behaviours, or toxic substances. The key is to find the right medication and the right dose. There are kits now that can help you discover that.

Imagine that your executive functions have been malfunctioning all or most of your life. You take a medication, and for the first time you are using all of your brain. All of your executive functions are functioning well. I have experienced this. It is life changing.

Not everyone needs ADHD medication.

Everyone needs to learn ADHD management skills that work for their specific issues.

Have questions about this? Send them to


I care,


22 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page